Love Your Self

This week’s post is inspired by “Love”. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner and images of roses and hearts everywhere, it’s hard not to think about “love”. I think one of the most important types of love to think about is self-love. In my opinion, before you can love others you must love yourself.

The notion of self-love is not new and it is not about being self-fish. Philosophers for centuries have studied human behavior and the term self-love, comparing it more to self-esteem and one’s belief in self-worth.

Growing up with alopecia and imperfect hair, took its toll on my self-esteem. I would happily bet that if there was anything you hated about yourself growing up, it too would have impacted your self-esteem and therefore your self-love. My self-love obstacle was with my hair, but I have so many friends who have struggled and still struggle with countless other things, which they hate about themselves. Hate is a strong term and one that should not be used lightly. But I don’t think there is any other more accurate term to describe our feelings when it comes to ourselves, especially if that obstacle, such as my hair, was causing you to be bullied, to regularly cry, to turn down events, and to think boys are asking you out on a dare because why would they possibly ever ask you out otherwise!

That thing impacting your self-esteem and therefore your self-love, what have you done about it? Is it still eating away at you?

I recently sorted through years of my photographs, and couldn’t help but reminisce about some of the decisions I have made- usually when alcohol is at play, and it made me cringe. Partially it’s about growing up and maturing, but I also think a large part of it is about getting comfortable in your own skin and coming to terms with who you are and what you value. These are lessons that I took a long time to understand and accept.  And when I was trying to be all these things that I wasn’t…well it was pretty embarrassing!

I was never the prettiest, I regularly had bad hair days, and my main excuse was that I did not have financial means to do anything about it. My friends and family always thought I was confident, and regularly said so. But it did not mean that I loved myself. I am very opinionated and always have been since I was a young child, I also don’t mind public speaking, and am naturally an extrovert. But the “love” topic was one I always shied away from.

How I found Self-Love

It was only almost three years ago that I truly understood the value of self-love. At that point, I was not even aware of it, but I have regularly recognised it when I look back. I had just arrived in the Cayman Islands after backpacking by myself for 8 months. Backpacking was something I had my heart set on for years, and finally having the guts to do it, I think partially contributed to the empowering recognition of my self-love. When I landed in the Cayman Islands, I was the happiest and healthiest I had ever been. I had so much confidence and joy that it radiated off me, and brought me so many wonderful people, including Neil, my now fiancé. I was dirt poor, I hadn’t shopped for months, all I moved with was my 21kg backpack, and yet I was the happiest and most relaxed I had ever been.

For me, every time I did something that I thought I couldn’t do, and challenged myself I grew a little more. My road to self-discovery and self-love actually all started with a painting. I was searching everywhere for a large purple and black painting for my room and I couldn’t find one anywhere that appealed to me. I had not painted since I was in primary school and did not consider myself artistic in the slightest. But I decided that if I wanted one so much, I would have to make it myself, so I did. And I actually liked it. My painting was of a very sassy strong bald lady, wearing a black and purple gown and floppy hat. Art is for the beholder. I don’t think anyone else loved it, but that didn’t matter- I did. I surprised myself with my own abilities and how much fun I had that I set challenge after challenge for myself, next thing I knew I had bought a house, renovated parts of the house, quit my job, bought one-way flights, backpacked, and moved across the world to the Cayman Islands. If you need a bit more self-love, consider setting a challenge for yourself and doing it, and consider how it makes you feel. Hopefully, it will work for you as it has for me.

I met Neil pretty much as soon as I arrived in the Cayman Islands. Before that, any guy I had met, I literally ran from. Probably more like sprinted from. I would be that person hiding behind shelves and trees and whatever else was around if the guy showed up. I was regularly quoted saying that “buying a house was far less scary than dating someone”. I always figured that there was no way a guy would want to date me, or be seen with me, once he found out about my hair, as such what is the point! With Neil, I was different. I knew who I was, and I owned it. More than that, I loved it.

Other options to find Self-Love

I learned so much about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my self-worth while backpacking. But it is not the only way to gain self-love. For the likes of Shalom Blac (love what she stands for) and many others, they talk about looking inside themselves to find self-love. Shalom Blac always talks about becoming conscious of your inner voice and taking control of it. Pay attention to what it’s saying and notice what you tend to tell yourself most often. You are with yourself 24/7, as such you hear your own thoughts more than anything, and if those thoughts are negative you will be disadvantaging yourself. If they are positive you are setting yourself up for advantages, like happiness, wealth, and love.

For me, it was not as simple as changing what I was telling myself, but by doing new challenges, it meant I was not focusing on the old crap that wore me down, but instead focusing on my new projects, my new successes, and complimenting myself, changing my inner voice to be positive.

I’m currently reading Dr. Libby Weaver’s ‘Rushing Women Syndrome’ which is a wonderful read, all about understanding the impact of our thoughts as well as lifestyle choices. One thing from Dr. Libby’s book that has really stuck with me is the cost of negative thoughts, including self-hate, and how that impacts our emotions, hormones, and weight. What drives me crazy, is that it all seems to be an endless vicious cycle like Fat Bastard says in ‘Austin Powers, Spy who shagged me’ “I can’t stop eating. I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat”.

It took me roughly 21 months (8 months of which we lived together) to show Neil what my natural hair looked like. I did not have the confidence to walk around showing it all off, but I’m sharing this because part of my journey to self-love was the realisation that my ‘obstacle’, being my hair that I hated, did not define me, and was not me. My hair is something I live with, and now share with the World. I will no longer let my hair (or lack of hair) hold me back from being the best I can be, or from loving myself.

Self-love does not mean that you do not have things you want to change, it just means accepting and loving yourself, not letting those ‘obstacles’ impact your self-esteem and knowing what your self-worth is. It is an ongoing journey of learning, reading, discovering, and searching. We change as we grow, but we must keep checking in and making time for self-love.

Love to you all, and to myself ;P

XOX

The importance and impact of self love is not always known. Alicia made many mistakes growing up without self love. Inside this weeks blog post Alopecia Alicia talks about her self love journey and how life has changed since finding self love and changing her inner voice.